Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
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MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Lmao 🤣
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”