Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Bear

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]

ME: i’m sor-

HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.