Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

dead inside

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.