Always leave them wanting their money back.
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
the clam before the storm
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.