Always leave them wanting their money back.
You Might Also Like
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.