Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
