Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now