Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Cardio Made Easy
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
We found love in a hopeless place.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
This one’s “Alex”.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet