Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂