Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Planet of the Apps.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair