@msevilroyslade

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

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@matt___nelson

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

@baronvonbike

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

@twowitwowoo

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

@WheelTod

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

@drinksmcgee

Someone just told me that they met the love of their life on Twitter and I haven’t been able to stop laughing since.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@jazmasta

Been flirting with this hot chick in this bar for almost a hour now. It’s only a matter of time now till nothing sexual happens whatsoever.