Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!