Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.
Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.
I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday