Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

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Student: “May I go to the toilet?”

Teacher: “What for?”

Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”


Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope


As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.


I wanna be famous, but only so I can name my kids Wombat and Pumpernickel.


Id like to thank the Walmart cashier for making me feel like big money. I guess you don’t see many $20 bills, glad you made sure its legit.


I politely asked a woman on my flight if she could put her kid in the overhead compartment & she looked at me like I was crazy or something.


her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls


Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!


[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats


Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday