Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

#Google

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?