Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

rich people when they have to pay taxes

[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*

Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*

Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

date: what turns you on?

me: cartoon superhero movies

date: [laughing] incredible

me: yah that’s my go to

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.