Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
TV 20 years ago: “it starts out clunky but if you suffer through the first 45 episodes it starts to almost get good!”
TV now: “If this 8hrs of tv doesn’t break all viewing records within the first 20 minutes of its release we’re going to shoot the cast”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house