Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
Let’s Go
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
What a chick magnet..
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus