Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
A hacker got into my bank account and left me a note…
“Please save more money, this was a complete waste of my time.”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10