Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..
Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all