Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

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Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.


I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing


I asked my gf not to wear any panties in hopes of spicing things up, but she ignored me and just kept rolling around, being a watermelon.


I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.


Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out


Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard…..

Pillow fight


Why I gotta put a seatbelt on but the garbage man can hang off the back of the truck


Dear White People,

Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!


[texting gf across the table from me so the people we’re making fun of won’t hear]

HER: hahaha
ME: i can see you & you did not laugh at all