Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
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Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My dog learned how to text
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.