Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
The Book. The Movie.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.