Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
this article brought to you by lions
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope