Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
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It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.