Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

real

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

Thanks to a fan for this one.

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Modern Way to Name Babies:

1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settle

Congratulations on your child McKimberlynn.

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.

I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet

I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?

Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.

What in the hipster hell is going on here