Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
A refund is not enough, I need to be able to block restaurants on DoorDash.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
phew
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep