Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
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Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
nobody’s gonna understand
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something