Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
