Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

just left a huge legacy in there

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.

My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

[eats all your cotton candy]

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee

Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.

Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.

3yo: no five more things!

Me: no, one more thing.

3yo: yay one more thing!

Bless their stupid little hearts.

Absolutely no one

Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.