Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Always
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
