Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”

Good morning

best first i’ve ever seen