Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief

All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

“I’m a night owl”

All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?

One time, I gave a man a fish and he was like, thanks I’ll eat today, but what about tomorrow, so I taught him how to go to the grocery store.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Perfect

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Me, day twenty of law school:

Your diligence, the prosecution rests.

Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.

Me: Shit! Can I go again?

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

I saw your link on Facebook.

What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.