Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
People with short hair don’t get dandruff, they get Pixie dust.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
It’s been six months since my last haircut. It might be time to close my barbershop.
