Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
buying dead houseplants to save time
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
i’m gonna allow it
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.