Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
That’s commitment
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.