Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
$3 #books
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again