@seamusmckracken
@sexncake
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
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@sexncake
@catzsparkles
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
@wolfpupy
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
@meatlobes
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
@ShortSleeveSuit
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
@vtg2
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
@BerylStedman
me: *dies* mom: no get up you still have to go to school.
@1InTheStinker
The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.
@EndhooS
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
@spikeWilton67
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.