Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.

Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.


I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.


you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.


The cops came to my house claiming my dog chased someone down on a bike!
I explained to the idiots that my dog doesn’t own a bike.


Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…


Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!

Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?

Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.