@seamusmckracken
@BackrowSeats
This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.
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@BackrowSeats
@Book_Krazy
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
@DanMentos
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
@nataliejmooney
lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there
@fro_vo
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
@mohitraj
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
@ramblinma
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
@ObscureAaron
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
@ohthatbadger
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
@rickkondell
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.