Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.