Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.

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This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.


Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what


[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*


lying on the floor with my mouth open just in case someone breaks in and decides to grate a bunch of cheese in there


“I think therefore I am”

–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four


You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.


Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]


But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…


There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.