Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
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If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
normalize having existential bread
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”