Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

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Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.

A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode

Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Sunday

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married

Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.