Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”