Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
no regrets
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.