Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

*sends nudes*

Him: omg you showered!

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

This did not end as expected.

I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.

I’m doomed.

this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

I have written in my calendar that I have a physical scheduled and there’s something I scribbled below that I sure hope says ‘fasting’ and not something else.

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

[opening day at fast food place]

manager: all the orders in?

employee: yes.

manager: the electrical all set?

employee: yes.

manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?

employee: yes.

manager: perfect. we’re ready.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?