Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.