Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
that would 100% work on me
My life in a nutshell
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.