Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
My 10 year old:
If nothing is faster than the speed of light, how did darkness get there first?
Me: WHAT?!
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I’m literally crying
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.