Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
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“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”