Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”

Guys, I think I just saw future me.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Lmao

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line