Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
You Might Also Like
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.