Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
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Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
the world’s most popular steaming services
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it