Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
He’s cranky this morning
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.