Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
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Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day