Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there