Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.

Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.

same energy

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?

Me: Enthusiasm.

Can’t stop laughing.. 😂

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?

Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list

Agency:

Me: Children are the future

is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

more water

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”

Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.