Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
best review i’ve ever seen
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.