Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.