Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
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I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
