Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
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im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Huge, if true.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.