Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
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please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order