Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
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Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Bloody internet 😳
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
a lot to unpack here
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.