Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Morning.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Happens to everyone.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives