Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
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My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
nyc:
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.