Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: can you just shoot me please

I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?

What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

giddy up Office Depot

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

“Sooth.”

-a soothsayer

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??

My car:

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.