Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
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One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty