Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

Windows 10? Cool!

Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

[after the flood]

noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends

god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow

noah: that doesn’t really help

god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.

Me: what is my final challenge

*dragon appears*

Me: oh no

Dragon: spell necessary

Me: OH NO

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.