Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.

It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.

Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad

wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.