Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great