Always tell people different stories about yourself so when they talk about you they’ll argue
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Glasses
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
