Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom

😂🖐️

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons

[Doing a crossword quiz]

Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.

Me: “faaark”?

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

*pushes you to the couch and latches on*

I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.

*pretends to eat your hair*

Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.

But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste