Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

u guys got any snacks onboard here

I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.

my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day

Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

*DOG Talks

Dog (wearing headset):

So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee

I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.