@MooseAllain

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

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@PhuckinCody

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

@david8hughes

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

@GeminiJew

If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.

@Eden_Eats

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

@KeepsItRustic

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

@batkaren

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.

@gorrdano

I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.

@Kernsti

Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”