@MooseAllain

Always the barmaid, never the bar.

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@threelisabeth

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

@KentWGraham

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

@BurbidgeJames

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

@LostLettermen

In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.

@isabelzawtun

Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!

Someone: oh wow nice pants

Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS

@_steamy_mac

Her: Don’t make this weird.
Me: I don’t know any other way to do things.

@Ahm76

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”