*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.
*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
You Might Also Like
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If you don’t know the difference between a spree killer, a mass murderer, and a serial killer, we can’t be friends.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
“I don’t know what else to say…”
Me, giving my husband false hope
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I’ve replaced my friends insulin with heroin. This is the most expensive prank I’ve ever done but it’s ok, I’ll rob him when he’s dead.
Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.
“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”