‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
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Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*