Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.

My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?

Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..

my dog: shlop, shlop

me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick

my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP

Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”