Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”