Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.