Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
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Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My 6yo said he loves me more than chores, so I’ve got that going for me
Driving in Europe vs Canada
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.