While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
🙂🐾
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.