@ThisLocalHater

Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random

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@justokpanda

Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.

Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?

Me: Next slide please

@edfoxcomedy

1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

@DrakeGatsby

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

@sixfootcandy

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

@TheHyyyype

Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.

@Fred_Delicious

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

@TheToddWilliams

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station