Always the bridesmaid, never the terrifying mist that consumes the souls of the townspeople at random
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One man’s sprinkler is another man’s bidet
Me: Maybe you can’t escape your past, but with the right shoes you CAN outrun your parole officer.
Nike Ad Exec: How did you get in here?
Me: Next slide please
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station