Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
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Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
constantly working on myself.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body