Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

May have had one breakfast too many

Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?

Me: Well vampires don’t exis-

Boy: Can you beat a black hole?

Me: A black hole is-

Boy: A rhino?

Me: The thi-

Boy: A T-Rex?

Me: Wel-

Boy: Mike’s dad?

Me: Yes.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.

The “baby” on the left….

My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’

Same, kid. Same.

thinking about a very short hotdog

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.