Always the camel, never the toe.
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Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!