Always the camel, never the toe.
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Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
This is my favorite one of these!
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.