Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
son: I don’t care, you dumb baby!
daughter: I’m not a dumb baby, you’re a dumb baby!
me: hey!!! what have I told you guys?!?
son & daughter: all babies are dumb so it’s redundant
me: thank you!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
🤣🤣
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no