Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Who.
Did.
This?
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y