Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
🍂🕷️🍂
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.